I read recently that France has lost its chic. Its je ne sais quoi.
Their President is out of control. While the French have always looked gracefully, and stylishly, the other way where "the other woman" is involved, particularly Presidential women, de Gaulle forbid he should comport l'affair on a moped, in the passenger seat, wearing a suit with cheap shoes and a giant Daft Punk helmet. A President cheating on his wife and his mistress with yet a third woman is the height of panache. But, in a bad outfit? Mon Dieu. The French are up in arms. I so get it. There is never an excuse for bad shoes. Except for hip surgery. My once impeccably shod tootsies are mourning their old, fashionable life, when their daily wear looked like this:
The perfect gladiator look. Minus the toga. Wouldn't be caught dead in a toga.
I remembered why these were so awesome in the 80's. Because they're awesome. My leg is coming from who knows where.
Marie Antoinette was so right. Eating cake in these shoes is so much better. That's what she meant, right?
I agree. These are fantastic.
I have hip problems because I apparently only have one leg. But it's wearing an adorable shoe.
There it is! I do have two legs. These are my Goldfinger shoes. I think James Bond would love them.
I'm a sucker for an ankle strap.
Brought these back from Italy. Can you blame me?
A shoe that looks like a velvet corset. Sigh.
Another pair from Italy. Had to.
I can't resist a pink shoe. Or a rhinestone buckle. Or shoes, period.
I hate getting caught on the Yellow Brick Road unprepared.
Gained an ankle strap. Lost a leg.
These are for when I mean business. 5 inches of business.
This is what I'm reduced to after crutches. These might as well be flat. I'm pouting just looking at them.
These are me, now, on crutches. The heel is so non-existent that it wasn't worth showing. Except for its pink. To make myself feel better I bought these in several colors. But still. So, not the same.
If you hear I've bought a moped. Shoot me.
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I'm a wreck.
Hair's on end, clothes on backwards, holes in pants (not the cool kind)….that's when I'm going out. I don't know what's happened to me. Old age? Bad hips? Don't give a shit? All of the above? Back in the day, you'd never catch me out unless I was fully loaded. Hair done, face on, heels. A trip to the grocery store presented a fashion opportunity, not a dreaded chore. Okay, I didn't always look great at the grocery store. Or, maybe I did... Often, I put on a baseball cap and flats for a quick skip to Ralph's or Whole Foods. Of course, my hair was freshly washed, but maybe not blown out. My face wasn't photo ready, but still. A dab of concealer, a hint of blush, a berry lip stain. My baseball cap was cool, maybe something pricey, hard to find, from the early 20th Century, African American Baseball League perhaps - just cause I'm a white girl didn't mean I couldn't get all hip-hop on your ass. And, my flats came from Kate Spade or Tory Burch. Oh, those were giddy days. Last week, I made a mad dash to the grocery store. I'd been cooking for days, getting ready for surgery, putting stuff in the freezer for hubby. I waited till the last possible minute to go. I needed the ingredients in, like, three seconds. So, I grabbed my army green drab jacket (Hubby calls me Castro when I wear it) tennis shoes with no laces, and took off. I didn't look in a mirror before I left. Let's face it. Who cares? I remembered I needed to pick up a prescription. So, I stood in the pharmacy line, waiting. My head itched. I scratched the top. Ack. When did I last wash it? I groped further back. The hair there felt flattened and matted. Bed hair. From which night? I looked around, kinda embarrassed. I noted the quarter-ton woman in animal print leggings, tank top, her braless boobs doing a gelatinous dance around her waistband, and shrugged. Feeling a little better, I patted my hair into place, a reflex I suppose. During the pat down, I hit something crusty. I froze. Crusty? Ewwww. The hair over my ear stuck stiff to my skin. Without calling attention to myself (I kept the gagging sounds pretty well under wraps) I did some more exploration. Whatever crusted to my hair, clung to my ear. I scraped at it and held my finger out. Red. WAS I BLEEDING? Did I have blood RUNNING down my head? OMG. I looked around again, thinking I'd see horrified faces, pointing, or someone motioning the paramedics in my direction. Nope. Just Tina the Tiger in her leggings and long, swaying, boobs, picking the three teeth she still had in the front with a 50% off coupon, not glancing at me at all. Then I did what primates have been doing since we've evolved from the dirt. I smelled it. Hmmmm….it didn't smell like blood. Upon closer inspection it looked a little too orange too. I had no choice. I had to taste it. Marinara sauce... from the pizza I ate at lunch. Huh. I finished my finger snack, got my prescription, and went on with my shopping. In for a pound... If you're ever in the congo and you need the lice picked out of your hair…I'm your girl. "Can you believe it?" I told my daughter on the phone when I got home. She laughed, loud, for like, five minutes. "I'm a hot mess," I said. "No, you're not, Mom," she said. "You're savory….a feast for the eyes." In previous blogs I've regaled you with my hip problems. In case you're new or just want to torture yourself and reread, here they are: It Can't be That Part I Or It Can't be That Part II Both of these highlight my delightful experience with bi-lateral hip surgery, the medical profession and the health insurance industry. To conclude, after a year of mishaps and misdiagnosis and a year long battle with my insurance, I had labral repairs on both hips. Labral tears are usually a professional athlete injury. Before you google me to perhaps find out about my storied past as an Olympic Curler, no need. Unless it involves a curling iron, you won't find me. I survived a head on collision. Which should get me a gold medal, but didn't. Four years later, the familiar tinge snaked through my groin and thigh. I immediately knew what it was. Been there, done that. So I did what any intelligent, health conscious person would do. I ignored it. Finally, when it got REALLY bad... I still ignored it. Then the pain interfered with my stiletto wearing and all bets were off. Having been pushed around by my general physician before, this time I went directly to the source. I skpped my primary doc and made an appointment with an orthopedic doc - a hip specialist, no less. Hip Specialist: This is my 15 year old assistant. She'll examine you and I'll be right back. 15 Year old Assistant: Does it hurt when you do this? Me: Ouch. Yes. 15 Year Old- What about this? Me: YES. 15 Year Old : And this? Me (catching on): I don't know. I'm not doing that. 15 year old, stern look on unlined, freckled, face: Um hum. Well, let me ask you- Me: I know what it is already. I've had it before. Torn labrums. Both sides. 15 Year old, eyeing my flabby thighs, gelatinous biceps: Hmmm. Did you have an accident? Me: Well, four years ago, when it happened the first time, I had a head on collision, they weren't sure- 15 year old: So...no accident. You'll need an x-ray. Me: Nothing will show up on an xray. I need an MRI. Xray Technician saunters in- Come with me. Xray guy chats amiably about nothing. Lines me up in front of the xray machine. Xray guy: Were you in an accident? Me: No. Hip Specialist looking at X-rays: Well, the xrays are clear. Me: I know. Torn labrums don't show up on xrays. I have to have an MRI. Hip Specialist: Umm humm...yeah...so have you ever heard of super cali fragilistic bursitis? Me: I've heard of bursitis. Hip Specialist: So we can give you a cortisone shot today or start you on physical therapy and if the therapy doesn't help we can still give you the shot. Me: Does the xray show that I have bursitis? Hip Specialist: No. Me: Then why would you treat me for that? Hip Specialist: Well, we tend to do the easiest stuff first and- Me: I'm not leaving without an MRI appointment. And you're not giving me a shot and I'm not doing physical therapy. I have torn labrums. Hip Specialist: Well...if you do have torn labrums you'll have to see the labrum specialist and not me. Don't threaten me with a good time. A month later, after my MRI, Hip Specialist calls on a Sunday: You have torn labrums on both sides. Me: You don't say. Another month later 18 year old labrum specialist says: Were you in an accident? Me: No. 18 year old specialist: Yep, both sides, torn. We can't repair them again. They've gotta be replaced. I'll have my assistant schedule it. Assistant: Okay, all scheduled. Here's the paperwork, all the pre-op and post-op stuff you'll need. By the way, did anybody tell you that you have an ovarian cyst? Me on hold with my family physician trying to make an appointment to get the cyst checked out. Got cut off three times. Gave up. Phone rings. 18 year old labrum specialist's assistant: Just wanted to let you know we'll need a deposit of half before your surgery. Me: Huh? Assistant: This surgery isn't covered by your insurance. So, off I go to surgery (again) tomorrow. With my 18 year old surgeon and no insurance. I'm sure it'll be fine. It went so well the first time, right? "If you had the chance, what would you tell your younger self?"
I've seen that question a lot lately. It's a blog topic, a celebrity interview question. The answers are often trite. "I really AM beautiful." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "You ARE thin enough." Not that those things aren't true. They're just probably not the only true things. At least not for me. Whenever I've dared examine myself, if I'm honest, I've never concluded that I'm fantastic. Does anyone with half a brain ever leave a therapist's office thinking, "It really is everybody else?" Not me. So, in the spirit of having half a brain...what would I tell my younger self? It's okay to not have an opinion. I felt strongly about...everything. Even when I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground. Wait...I don't think I've changed that much...anyhoo... My friends' husband? Thought he was a jackass. Did I know him? No. Reaganomics? Who's Reagan? What's an omic? No matter. I could argue for a couple hours about that topic. Religion? I was there. I knew it wasn't true. There's something to be said for the ignorant optimism of the young. It's just not anything good. It's okay to have an opinion and keep it to yourself. Ack. Little did I know that even if I knew a lot about the subject at hand, it was sometimes preferable, even wise, to keep my pie hole SHUT. My friend's husband really was a jackass. Shoulda kept that gem to myself. Jeans don't make your ass look fat. All that fat makes your ass look fat. Who knew she wouldn't take that well? Religion? I wasn't there and I still don't think its true. But, do I really need to tell the devout (like my mother-in-law for instance) I'm an atheist? Well, agnostic. I'm too lazy to take a stand. Turns out, no. Silence really is golden. Chances and opportunities aren't limitless. This one hurts. Bad. Went to the concert instead of work? Fired. No problem, I'll just get another job. Not so fast. Especially when you've done it ten or twenty times and you're 35 and the economy comes to a screeching halt. Need to exercise more patience and understanding toward my mother? Sure. Later. Too late now. She's gone. Didn't finish college? Who needs that crap? I'll do it later. Marriage, kids, divorce, finances, life...later never came. Here's the finest pearl of wisdom: chances and opportunities involve a hell of a lot of work and sacrifice. Not willing to do it? Then it won't happen. Other than a fair trial, you have a right to very little. Your parents or your neighbors lifestyle isn't your birthright. See chances and opportunities. Privacy is a privilege, especially if you still live at home. Happiness is a choice, often elusive. Self esteem is earned. Doing a job well (starting with that first one at McDonalds), working hard at something even though you're not that good at it until you get better, doing things you need to do instead of just what you want to do, that's how you build self esteem. Stand up for something you believe in even if it costs you. Changing the world is often something only the young have the energy for, so do it. Go to the mat for an ideal. Nothing builds character more than that. Wait. Hate your job and want to quit? Wait. HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to get married? Wait. DYING to have kids? Wait. Can't imagine living without that way too expensive outfit? Wait. How many mistakes would I have avoided if I'd have just...waited. What doesn't kill you often doesn't make you stronger. Trash your health with booze and cigarettes? Cirrhosis and emphysema don't kill you...at least not quick. Hacking up your lungs and turning yellow from jaundice really isn't attractive. And it sure doesn't look fun either. If you feel depressed or anxious ignore it, buck up, it'll go away. It won't affect your judgment or your decision making? Right? This will kill you. But not until you swill in misery for years. The same bad relationships over and over? They wear you down, give you ulcers and wrinkles, make you cry, and beat you down. Kill you? Unfortunately not. Gratitude is more important than almost anything. There hasn't been one day of my life that I haven't had something to feel grateful for. I should've recognized it, celebrated it, shown thanks for it. Lucky for me, I'm still breathing. As long as I am, it's not too late. When my oldest was born, my mother came bearing gifts. Not for the baby, but for me. A pair of brown polyester trousers and a 3-pack of underwear. Those HUGE kind that double as a shirt. In fact, you don't really have to wear any other clothes, you're all covered.
Mom said, "Now that you're married with a baby you'll need to stop wearing jeans and dressing like a kid." Never mind I was a kid and she was wearing jeans paired with a puff painted cat sweatshirt. I got the message. You're judged by your outfit. This is a concept I still struggle with, particularly as I get older. Not long ago, hubby and I attended a work shindig - his work. I'm a writer, we don't have shindigs. Unless you count group therapy. We had to travel there so I packed a way cute dress that I'd bought last December and still hadn't worn. That's what a great wife I am. I make sure I always keep a stock of way cute stuff to wear whenever duty calls. I know, I know, I'm a trouper. Anyway, last December was...a while ago. Perhaps...a few pounds ago. I remember when I tried it on it was a hair snug. "I'm gonna lose a few pounds right after Christmas so it'll be perfect by the time I wear it." Turns out that standing up while eating doesn't burn as many calories as I thought. Wine apparently doesn't count as a fruit either. I realize I'm not gonna get much sympathy here as I am not a big person. But, I will say that as a small person, five pounds is a whole size. Menopause is no respecter of persons. After a certain age...thick frequently turns up in your body description. And too tight is too tight no matter what. I was dismayed to discover that the way cute dress I'd packed for the shindig resembled a sausage casing. I might've doubled up on the Spanx but then I'd never have gotten the dress on. You know you've got problems when the girdle actually makes the dress tighter. Anyway, after I tugged, yanked, sucked in, and spanxed my way into the dress I looked myself over in an, unfortunately, full length mirror. It got me thinking... Maybe the dress wouldn't have been right even had it been, well, bigger. I'll admit, the oxygen getting cut off to my brain might've influenced my thought process. Still. Those brown polyester pants and chin hugger underwear popped into my mind. Am I dressing too young for my age? Ouch. We all know those women. Saggy knees, baggy arms, spandex mini dress. Ack. Then there's the snowflake sweater, navy knit trousers (yes, there's a difference between pants and trousers and it's not good), serviceable Easy Spirit flat shoes kinda woman. Double ack. Isn't there something in between? Does age appropriate dressing equal frump? I set out to re-vamp my wardrobe. I started with jeans. Sorry, Mom. "I want some jeans that don't show my butt crack," I said to the 16 year old salesgirl at Nordstrom. "Those are for kids. I'm getting older, you know." She looked me over with that, "You don't have to tell me, sister" kind of face. She announces, "I know just the thing. You WILL LOVE them." I head to the dressing room with a few pairs of decent looking jeans. I noted the brand name stamped in leather on the back - NYDJ. Never heard of it. I pull them on. And keep pulling. They stopped somewhere around my armpits. The zipper was about 3 feet long. Another version of those underwear. I creep out of the dressing room, hopeful no one I know sees me. "Those look darling on you!" 16 year old crack smoking salesgirl says. "Are these pants or a jumpsuit?" She hasn't noticed I'm not wearing my shirt. No need. She stays mum, a dental ad smile glued on her face. "What does NYDJ stand for anyway?" "Not Your Daughter's Jeans." She chirps. I look in the mirror. Nope, they're not; they're my grandma's. I put the jeans back and bought some longer shirts. |
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