KATHLEEN O'DONNELL
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Ain't No Such Thing as Free Love

2/7/2015

32 Comments

 
Picture
I've heard that Valentine's Day is second only to New Years Eve for suicides, which says a lot about love. It doesn't always turn out well, or like you wanted it to, or like you thought it would.

And, some pay the highest price for it. Yet, we're all looking for it.

For all its hype, love is rarely a Cinderella tale. For me, the real story lies with the ugly stepsisters. No one ever asked them what they thought about love. They got left behind like so many ill-fitting shoes and rotten pumpkins. But they could tell you - love bites. For every girl who gets invited to the ball, there are at least 100 pressing their faces to the glass watching the dance. 

And don't even get me started on the frog to Prince ratio.

So this is a salute to the ugly stepsisters, to those who struggle with love - to find it, to keep it, to let it go with grace, to redefine it, to live through it. You know...the rest of us.
The ones who find out quick that everyday life is the fingernail on the chalkboard of love. 

These are the real heros of Valentine's Day.

They get out of bed everyday, go to a job they don't necessarily love, get little to no fanfare or praise and not enough money, but they do it anyway because they have families to raise. They come home to piles of laundry, dishes and bills. But, they still come home. No rich, handsome prince or princess riding in at their house to save the day. 

They weather job losses, poverty, general disappointments, children with heartbreaking disabilities and illnesses. They get a big bang out of very little buck. They seek out, and feel enormous gratitude for, the simpler things in life. A barbeque with friends, cookies for everyone at work, a few christmas presents under the tree for every kid, enough food on the table, a trip to the grocery store with their daughter in her new wheelchair.

They leave unhealthy relationships. They find the courage to try it again. They stay together when they don't feel like it. They muddle through. Always hopeful, sometimes down, but never out. They take a crushing beatdown from love and still stand.

And if that's not enough to make the most optimistic heart close up shop, then shit gets real. 

They nurse spouses through surgeries, failing health and old age. They find themselves the one left behind. They care for dying parents and grandparents. They raise grandchildren who would otherwise fall through the cracks. They wring their hands in helplessness and prayer over a wayward daughter. With uncommon bravery they usher their terminally ill children out of the world with even more love than when they brought them into it.

Yes, this is for all of you who recognize yourselves in these words. For those who've been shot in the heart with cupid's arrow only to find out it hurts like hell and leaves a scar. And Hallmark isn't writing cards with any of this inscribed on them. So, I'll write them. You are all like precious metals, thrown into the flames, to come out bent but never broken - shaped into something new - built to last.

I think Valentine's Day is a celebration of you and all you endure for love. And, this year, I'm reminded that love isn't in the air. It's in the trenches.
 




32 Comments
William Martin link
2/7/2015 08:13:46 am

As always, carefully considered and beautifully written. There's heart, thought and soul in this (and in all of your work Kathleen), that makes it a joy to read. Well done.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/7/2015 09:04:53 am

Thank you, William. I think after you've lived past 20 you get that love hurts. Sometimes a lot. And leave it to me to write about suicide for Valentine's Day!

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Donna Eagan
2/7/2018 01:22:10 pm

Beautifully written full of so much truth and feeling . I’ve read this 3 times . It’s more real each time. Thanks for writing and sharing this , Kathleen.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/7/2018 04:41:15 pm

Thank you Donna. This post is more real for me now than when I wrote it three years ago. Love is wonderful and painful at the same time.

Kayla Mead
2/7/2015 08:59:19 am

This is the best Vday card ever

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 02:49:13 am

Awww...thank you, bb. Love to you and all my little heros!

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Marybeth Carty
2/7/2015 09:44:16 am

Nailed it again, Kathleen.. But this one has me crying long after I've stopped reading...
Love is one of those infinite resources for the lucky ones.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 02:50:13 am

Thank you, MB! Love is one of those things...it sucks, it rocks, it hurts, it soothes. Whatcha gonna do?

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Lizzi link
2/7/2015 10:04:46 am

I saw SO MANY people I know in the trenches of your descriptions, and you're absolutely right - love is rarely in the sparkles and wonder of the ballroom dancefloor, but in the slog and determination of making a go of it, somehow, anyway.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 02:51:45 am

Indeed. Its equal parts slog, magnificence, pain and pleasure. Thanks Lizzi, for reading, commenting, and sharing. I so appreciate it.

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Valerie Newman link
2/7/2015 11:14:36 am

Yay for this post! And it is true. Love makes the world go round. In the trenches.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 02:52:48 am

Thank you for reading and commenting, Valerie! It is so true. For all of us. No one comes out unscathed.

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Suzie
2/7/2015 12:18:57 pm

Well said Kathleen. Love isn't a fairytale, it's hard work,it can be joyous and painful.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 02:53:50 am

Thank you, Suzie. Nope, no fairytales. Just us humans, trying to make a go of it.

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Marcia Shaw Wyatt link
2/7/2015 02:03:26 pm

In the trenches, indeed. Awesomely said, Kathleen ... and you're so precisely right. Love is almost always a struggle to find. It's always a struggle to keep. And it's definitely a struggle to lose. I'm so glad you wrote this excellent post and I completely agree - ALL of love's heroes should be celebrated on Feb. 14th.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 02:55:03 am

Thank you Marcia. I hope your VDay is as wonderful as you. Madonna warned us...Love is a Battlefield. We can't live without it though.

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Christine Carter link
2/7/2015 10:35:48 pm

BRAVO!!! Love this, Kathleen. You describe this beautifully...

I find myself in it, too.

Your last line? BRILLIANT.

"I think Valentine's Day is a celebration of you and all you endure for love. And, this year, I'm reminded that love isn't in the air. It's in the trenches."

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 02:56:55 am

You rock, Christine! Thank you for all your support. Love is like supermodels. They get the press and give us unrealistic expectations to live up to. The truth is entirely different. We're all hanging on by our fingernails. But, still, love is grand.

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Marian Whitcomb
2/7/2015 10:49:49 pm

Very moving...I shared.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 02:57:47 am

Thank you, Marian. So happy to see you here. Double thank you for sharing, I so appreciate it.

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Kristi Campbell link
2/8/2015 10:51:59 am

It really is in the trenches, isn't it? Love. Elusive and powerful and slippery and also here, in the dailies. Beautiful post!!

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2015 11:24:48 pm

I'm afraid it is Kristi...sometimes not so romantic. But worth it anyway.

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Kerri Ames link
2/9/2015 11:45:42 pm

YES!! I always say love is not sunshine and unicorn butts, rather it is in knowing that whomever your partner is they are the ones fighting just as hard as you despite lack of rainbows

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/11/2015 03:15:19 am

Indeed, Kerri. Relationships suffer from a serious lack of rainbows over time. I guess we all need to work on bringing back the rainbows!

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Kathy
2/10/2015 02:52:49 am

Read this on the plane yesterday.....beautiful....xoxoxoxoxo

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/11/2015 03:16:07 am

Thank you. We are all thinking of you and sending love your way.

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Joan Durbin
2/13/2015 02:12:19 pm

I just discovered you and I am in awe of your writing and even more important, your attitude towards life. Nicely done!

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/14/2015 05:15:18 am

What a lovely thing to say. You made my Valentine's Day. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I hope you continue. Happy V-Day to you!

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Roshni link
2/15/2015 01:13:01 pm

when I was a kid, I did think about the ugly sisters and always feared about being one of them! Love this post, reaching out to those who didn't get a chance in the spotlight,

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Roshni link
2/15/2015 01:16:47 pm

As a child, I did think about the ugly sisters and I was scared to think that I was one of them! Love this post for highlighting those who don't otherwise get their chance in the spotlight!

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Wendy
2/7/2018 05:58:31 pm

I can’t believe you aren’t an award winning author yet. This was so poignant and real. Thanks for writing and moving us.

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Kathleen O'Donnell
2/8/2018 11:34:26 am

Thank you Wendy! What a lovely thing to say. BTW...I actually am an award winning author LOL. The Last Day for Rob Rhino was a Two time book of the year finalist!

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