Funny thing about being a mom. Some of it's not that funny.
Don't get me wrong. A lot of it is joyous, glorious, fulfilling. Even when you're sleep deprived, at the fraying end of your rope, wishing you'd had your tubes tied when you were eleven, one look at those tiny, precious faces and somehow it's okay. You have your babies, get to call yourself Mom. Then they start doing shit. You gotta start kissing boo boos. They have to get immunized. They don't like it. Sometimes you have to help the nurse keep them still, hold them down. All for their own good. You tell yourself, Don't cry, Mom. They get pushed off the swing by the little prick next door. Even though their pride is what gets hurt the most, their lip trembles, their eyes fill. They never want to go to the playground again. Don't cry, Mom. They get bit by a dog. Have to have stitches. They hold up pretty well, you're a wreck. The doctor says, Don't cry, Mom. They score the winning point, they hit home runs, they get the starring role in the school play. Don't cry, Mom. They get dumped by the loser you hoped would dump them. They're devastated. You know it's for the best, you wished for it, dreamt of it. But their heart is broken. Don't cry, Mom. Then the worst. They grow up, marry, start having babies of their own. By some cruel twist they want you in the delivery room. It's the most painful labor you've ever had. Don't cry, Mom. Then there's more babies. You don't think they need more. You're not that thrilled even though the first baby is among the finest specimens ever born and your love for them knows no bounds. But they insist and before you know it, between them all they've got six all together. You didn't ask for them, but you've gotta see them. It's love at first sight. Don't cry, Mom. Then one of your grown up babies calls to talk about her baby. The one who's spent 3/4 of her six year life struggling with a still unnamed, Cerebral Palsy like illness. The one who just broke her finger because she can't walk without a walker. And even then... She says they think something is wrong with her baby's bones, the break is odd. She needs one more specialist. She will probably have to use a wheel chair now. The air sucks out of your chest. Your fingers grip your phone so hard they might break. Your heart beats so loud you almost don't hear your daughter say - Don't cry, Mom.
39 Comments
2/21/2014 04:27:54 am
What a gorgeous piece. This really touched me very deeply. Even though I am a mom of a 12 year old who has significant special needs but no official diagnosis (even though we have 5 MRI's showing brain damage and host of other tests results showing issues) I read this piece as a daughter. I know my mother must really suffer not only watching her granddaughter struggle but watching me deal with all that is involved with raising a special needs child. Thank you very much for helping me to see a bit of her side.
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Kathleen
2/21/2014 04:45:58 am
Thank you, Kathy. So nice of you to read and comment. It is the worst when kissing boo boos becomes something else. When there's nothing you can do but try to be there to support and love them. But you're still helplessly on the sidelines.
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Kathleen
2/21/2014 05:34:12 am
Thank you for your lovely words and for taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot to me.
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2/21/2014 05:30:58 am
omigosh, sitting here with tears coming down -- so sorry to hear about your grandchild -- your piece was written so beautifully, in such a relatable way -- thanks for sharing -- and many good thoughts for good health and peace for you and your family
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Kathleen
2/21/2014 05:35:16 am
Yeah, it's totally been a crying kind of day. Thank you so much for your kind wishes and nice words. I'm so grateful you stopped by to read and comment.
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2/21/2014 05:50:48 am
Oh, such a relatable post. I'm so sorry about your granddaughter, very beautifully written. Sending good thoughts to you and your daughter & your granddaughter. xo
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Kathleen
2/21/2014 06:46:42 am
Thank you, Claudia. It's been a tough day. A tough few months. My poor babies.
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Suzie Martin
2/21/2014 06:27:03 am
Oh Kathleen... I made the mistake of reading this at my desk during my lunch at work. I'm still teary. Love to you and all your babies.
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Kathleen
2/21/2014 06:48:22 am
Suzie, you and William have been so supportive of me, my work, my family. It really means a lot. You guys are such a great couple and very thoughtful. Thank you for your continued support and your kind words and thoughts for my babies, who need it.
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2/21/2014 07:30:53 am
Wow Kathleen. Wonderfully written and so sad. I'm tearing-up. Life just shits bricks sometimes doesn't it. Bless you and all your babies. xxoo
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Kathleen
2/21/2014 12:10:15 pm
Thank you for reading. It is terribly sad, life can be hard and feel terribly unfair. Thank you for your kind thoughts and blessings. We really appreciate it.
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2/21/2014 07:38:07 am
My heart aches for you and your loved ones - at this terrible news. It's OK to cry, dear Mom. How could anyone with a heart not cry on hearing such news? It's difficult to come up with positive words & thoughts to extend right now - so moved by your post - best I can muster is that based on what I've read here on your blog about you and your wonderful family, I know for certain that love will conquer all! Together, you'll all get through this. In the meantime, please know that my prayers and thoughts and tears are with you and all your family. Sometimes it's quite alright to cry!
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Kathleen
2/22/2014 01:04:28 am
Thank you, Marcia. You get through raising kids and they're okay and you say, whew! But, it's not over…ever. Your prayers and thoughts are so appreciated as is your generous support of my blog. I'm grateful for you.
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Kathleen
2/21/2014 12:11:35 pm
Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm so glad it resonated with you but am wishing it would were more pleasant subject matter. We are hopeful.
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2/21/2014 09:08:08 am
I cannot imagine. Your daughter is so lucky to have you to call and lean on during her most difficult moments.
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Kathleen
2/21/2014 12:12:55 pm
You're so nice to say that. I'm afraid its me that leans on her. She is a champ. I've gotta get better at keeping it together. Thanks for reading, I'm so grateful.
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Marybeth
2/21/2014 01:57:10 pm
Tears....this kills me. Well done, Kathleen.
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Kathleen
2/22/2014 01:05:47 am
Thank you, MB. Tough few weeks. Thanks for your unrelenting friendship.
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Kathleen
2/22/2014 03:00:15 am
Indeed! You know what they say…you need a license to drive and to fish but it's carte blanche on kids.
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Kathleen
2/23/2014 12:57:32 am
Thank you, Kathy. So glad to hear all is well with your granddaughter. It's so frightening, this limbo. I'm afraid my daughter supports me more than I'd like. She's a rock most of the time and I'm a wreck.
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2/22/2014 11:30:28 pm
Kathleen, This has to be excruciating, and yet, I'm sure you're realizing strength and hope you didn't know you had. Remember to care for yourself too, so that you can continue to help her. Good thoughts from me.
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Kathleen
2/23/2014 12:59:26 am
Thank you, Susan. I'm trying! All of you fabulous folks, reading, commenting, sending prayers. It's unbelievable to me how kind you all are. I'm forever grateful.
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2/23/2014 02:01:10 am
I cried. I care. I related in a different sort of way. Our son, who we adopted at 3 days old, was FAS but not diagnosed until he was seven. He basically lived a normal life with limits and married and had 2 babies. 1.5 years ago he and his family walked out of our lives - no specific reason. This often happens in this scenario. The pain is worse than death. We cry every day. No contact. But we still hope.
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Kathleen
2/23/2014 05:11:33 am
I am so sorry to hear that. Kids can hurt us in so many ways.My heart goes out to you and your husband. It would be a pain worse than death. No closure. I can't even imagine. I am hoping with you.
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2/23/2014 06:30:04 am
Thank you for your kind words. When you reach out to others in your pain, it helps you heal. Thank you for reaching out. Very thoughtful. 2/23/2014 06:30:24 am
Thank you for your kind words. When you reach out to others in your pain, it helps you heal. Thank you for reaching out. Very thoughtful of you. 2/23/2014 11:59:14 am
Oh my heart... Oh precious mama...
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Kathleen
2/23/2014 10:22:40 pm
Thank you Chris. Tough to be a mom and a grandmom sometimes. I'm afraid crying is a regularly scheduled event these days.
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2/26/2014 07:35:44 am
Hi my wonderful mother!. Things always get worse before they get better. If anything we get to learn new incredible things, in life, in each other, and just how amazing we are in general. That's worth it. Love you
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2/27/2014 11:05:03 pm
Oh - I'm weepy-eyed here. This is beautiful. I know you posted at MLB that you were on BlogHer but I had to come to read and comment at the original post. How beautiful. So many gentle hugs to you and your whole family.
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9/8/2014 11:48:02 pm
The pain is like a ripple through the whole world. Or an Earthquake. And I'm sick to my stomach for you.
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9/9/2014 06:50:23 am
I just cried. The unknown. So scary. Hugs and peace to you and your family.
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