No You Didn't

I’m not the first person to take issue with the ridiculous utterings of my fellow man or woman.  I’m not the first to write them down. I just think mine are better.

Thought I’d share.  

These are things anyone past a certain age should never say. In most cases, that certain age hovers around 16. In some cases, these tidbits should never pass anyone's lips, no matter what their age.

Michael will always be with us.  

While standing in front of Neverland on the anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death. 

Back away from the gate and go home. 

For Christ's sake, the man's nose fell off while he was on trial for molesting children...his second trial. 

Read that last sentence again. 

Had he been less freaky, this sentiment would still be true. This is also true of Elvis, Marilyn, JFK, Amy Winehouse and Whitney.  

They weren't family.

No, they weren't.

You didn’t know them.  

No, you didn’t.

Harry's my favorite. 

I didn't know who Harry was until I took my granddaughter shopping. He is, according to her, the one in the middle. 

If you have a favorite, get a grip. 

And no, you don't have Beiber Fever. You have problems.

This goes for Team Edward or anything Twilight related.  The only acceptable connection you’re allowed to have with Twilight is dropping your 12 year-old daughter off in front of the movie theater showing it.  

Please stop recommending the book series to me with the expectation I won’t make unmerciful fun of you. Stop saying out loud that Kristen what’s-her-name is a slut and Robert what’s-his-name should never have forgiven her. 

And, please, please, please, don’t come to my house for dinner and tell me with a straight face how hot Taylor Lautner is and not expect to find yourself lampooned in this post.  

This does not apply to Harry Potter.  Although, even JK Rowling has moved on. She was a welfare mom, she gets special consideration. You go, girl.

We're hooking up. 

The only hook up in your future is to a respirator. 

This phrase is only acceptable if you're trying to humiliate your teenagers by saying it in front of their friends. Under that circumstance, by all means, hook up to your heart’s content.  

If, however, you’re repeating this phrase hoping it will actually happen to you with the twenty year-old who’s reaching for her pepper spray, please re-read the first sentence of this paragraph.  

If you’re attempting to hook up during a night of clubbing, continue reading.  

I beg you.

The last thing you clubbed was a brontosaurus for dinner.  

Enough said.

She'll keep me young or He’s an old soul.  

25 year plus age differences are gross. 

Yes, they are. 

You don't think you look like them - look again. If you don't now, you will.

If you’re dating a boy young enough to be your son, or a woman young enough to be your daughter...good luck to you.  

I know, I know... 

You dream of being Ashton and Demi or Michael and Catherine.  

Don’t worry.  You will be.

Can I borrow this? 

While standing in front of your daughter’s closet.  

Kudos to you girlfriend for wearing the same size as your teenage daughter. 

Or, thinking you do.  

No kudos to you for actually wearing her clothes.  

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  

You think you look like this. 

You don't. 

Really. 

I know, your sister says you look great.

She’s lying.  

Your husband says you haven't changed since the day he married you.

He’s lying. 

Maybe just on special occasions.

No, not even on Halloween.

---

I need to touch up my roots.  

If you’re a man.  

Yes, it’s sexist.  Too bad.  

So is putting women out to pasture after thirty.  It is what it is.  

If you’re under drinking age and dying your Mohawk purple, or you’re a Duke fan coloring every exposed surface of your body blue, it’s all good. Other than that, stop.  

Yes, that goes for you too Mike Krzyzewksi.  

If the Waynester can't get away with it, either can you. I think he's actually on trial here for breaking the laws of decency.

Unlike women, men are allowed to age gracefully.  

So, do it.  Have some dignity.  

It looks bad. Everyone knows its dyed.

No, really, they do.  

Your wife says it looks like the color you were born with.

She’s lying.  

Your hair guy says its well worth the $150 you spend on it every month.

He’s lying.  

Maybe just for your daughter's wedding.

No, not even on Halloween.  

What are you doing dressing up for Halloween anyway?

I don't even own a pair of Spanx.  

I know.