Resolved

Laziness is my most marked characteristic so I don't do New Year's resolutions.

At least not for myself. 

This year, I decided to turn a new leaf (which is totally different than making a resolution) and make some...for other people. And I'm so lazy that even this is late.

What could be more helpful than pointing out everyone else's faults? 

I consider this a public service.

1. Women of a certain age. Meaning, I'm certain you're still living so stop dressing like you're dead. Age appropriate and giving up are not the same things. Yes, I realize you can go too far (see my earlier post NYDJ). But, you won't die if you wear a high heel now and again. 

No, it's not easy. It can be painful. 

Who cares? Have some vanity for Christ's sake. 

I don't want to hear it. I wear them on crutches. 

I realize there's an argument to be made that perhaps I wouldn't be on crutches if I wasn't a life long stiletto wearer. I can live with that. At least I didn't go down without a fight.

Birkenstocks, elastic waist pants, pantyhose (they don't look good on Kate Middleton, they don't on you either), sweat pants if you're not sleeping...yoga pants if you're not...you get it. Back away from the sale table at Sears and get yourself a Vogue subscription. 

Come on ladies! We've still got it and we've gotta show it. 

2. The entire Medical profession. THINK before you speak.  I'm an authority on this. Here's snippets of my recent conversations as proof.

Nursey: Do you prefer Kathleen or Kathy?

Me: Kathleen

Nursey: Okay, great...Kathy...can you spell that?

Dr. Doogie Howser: The last time you had a bowel movement was it in shapes?

Me: You mean, like animals?

Nursey: Do you have a DNR?

Me: Ummm...I'm only 51. No.

Nursey: So, Kathy, if you go into cardiac arrest and your heart stops you want to be revived?

Me: I'm thinkin' YES.

Nursey: On a scale from 0-10, 0 being the least, where would you like your pain level to be?

Me: Is that a joke? Does anyone say, If you're all out of NO pain...I'll take excruciating? That would be ZERO.

Nursey: Sssssss....well...okay...hmmm...how about 5-10?

Doctor Doogie: Wow. Alot of these drugs don't work for you...

Me: Well, it is the 21st century, there's got to be a lot of choices, right?

Doogie: Any suggestions?

3. Annoying dog people. Keep your four legged friend to yourself. I'm allergic to dogs. But, I don't hate them. What I hate is those dog owners who assume you love their dogs as much as they do, so you won't mind at all if their furry beasts jump up on your cocktail dress, or wipe their snotty snouts on your pants. 

I adore my grandkids. But I wouldn't let them sniff your crotch, wipe their chocolate covered hands on your jacket, or lick your suede shoes.

Please, show me the same courtesy.

4. Traffic controller drivers. Just drive. These are those folks who slam to a stop to "let you in" their lane or sit through their turn, two or three times, at four way stops to wave everyone else through. 

I'm sure they mean well. 

But, I often find myself in weird, Marcel Marceau type pantomime conversations with someone who can barely see me through their windshield. Using jerky hand motions and contorted facial expressions I struggle to let them know I don't want to turn into their lane. I want to go the other direction. 

By the time they get the message they've stopped a line of cars two blocks long. Honking, name calling and middle finger salutes commence and I'm still there, trying to turn left. 

Grrrr...if everyone just follows the rules of the road we'll all be fine. Really.

5. Hoity Toity Restaurants. Call a spade a spade. When did eating out get so complicated?

Pan seared? Really. Isn't that just...fried? 

Charred bread? I can burn my own bread in my toaster at home.

Waiter: Our popcorn has an aura of grapefruit essence, rosemary mist, star anise dust and black sea salt.

Get out. Do we seriously need popcorn that takes a Walter White style laboratory to make? 

Or this jewel...Slow baked organic Scottish salmon with Yuzo-koshu crust, baby green vegetables, glazed gnocchi, and smoked bonito flaked orange broth. Huh?

Of course it all arrives in a Leaning Tower of Pisa shaped cylinder on your plate which explodes as soon as you try to fork your way through it. It's about 3 ounces of food for $45.

And, why are my scallops covered in two kinds of sauce, one a heinous shade of green, on top of a now inedible soaked and soggy bed of lettuce? Couldn't I have had them...pan seared...or at the very least...charred?

Don't worry though, you can bring your own bottle of wine...they'll only charge you $25 to uncork it. And don't even try to bring your own opener. I've heard they're not amused.

Happy New Year. Get it together.