Sand Through the Hourglass

I read a blog post a while ago written by another blogger about all the things she didn't do because she didn't have time. I thought that was a smashing idea so I intended to steal it.

Then, I realized…who am I kidding? 

I have all the time in the world. I haven't been gainfully employed in several years. 

I just don't want to do them.

So, the following are things I have plenty of time to do but have no intention of doing.

1. Nail or Hair Maintenance: 

Toenails creep me out. Even my own. 

The whole clipping, cuticle scraping, whatever. Ack. Thank God my manicurist doesn't feel the same way.

I don't know why anyone does their own hair...I mean the big stuff. Cutting, dying. I get some are constrained by budget so I give them a pass. And young people who, on a whim, color their mohawk blue in the bathroom. That's okay too. But, everybody else? 

Bangs go in the front. Need I elaborate?

2. Housework: 

This is shameful. 

When my kids were little, I kept a spotless house. I didn't know anyone who hired out their dirty work. Now, my nest is empty and I have 5 toilets I wouldn't get near in a HAZMAT suit. 

My idea of cleaning is spraying Febreze on stuff. I mean, you've seen those commercials. They find some saps to sit in a filthy car with bags of old food, dog crap, etc. and they spray the whole disgusting mess with Febreze. 

"It smells like Spring," they say. That's good enough for me.

I do have bad hips. Which obviously means I can't hold a sponge. Not even if you paid me. But, I will pay others, quite cheerfully. I take that back. My husband pays them. See below.

3. Pay Bills: 

We should all admit our weaknesses. Handling money is not something I do well, or enjoy. Unless I'm handling it to buy stuff. That's a whole other thing.

Balancing the checkbook is...wait...I nodded off.

4. Put Gas in the Car:

I don't do gas stations.

5. Keep up with Current Events:

I didn't watch Breaking Bad until 6 months ago. I equate a fictional television show with current events. THAT's how uninformed I am. I don't Keep up with the Kardashians either. I do occasionally check in on Bruce Jenner. By all accounts his gender reassignment is going well.

Hubby occasionally reads me something interesting out of the Wall Street Journal. Usually it has to do with sporting events or sporting events.

Being uninformed doesn't stop me from having a strong opinion though.  I have been known to take a political argument to the mat all the while talking out my ass.

6. Lawn care/Gardening

I saw the gardener using one of the blower things. I think I could handle that. But why would I? 

You might wonder...what the hell does she do? Well, I'd make a list but do I look like I have that kind of time?