Say That Again. I Can Still Hear the Engines.

Remember when air travel looked like this?

Me neither.

But, I've seen Mad Men and this is what it looks like there. I know it must be true because Jon Hamm would never lie to me.

I might not be sure about yesteryear, but I'm positive about now.

It's the seventh circle of hell.

It makes hitchhiking from Los Angeles to Miami with the Mayor from Toronto seem like a good idea.

Never in a million years did I think Americans would tolerate the whole airport fiasco…er…process. We're the people who revolted, left England and a monarchy to create a country where everyone is welcome, a democracy. A place where we could do whatever the hell we wanted.

Okay, we didn't do any of that but we've seen it on Netflix.

Still. Its amazing to me that we'll refuse to wear a helmet on a motorcycle but we'll let some felon with an anal probe grope us in our bare feet. Yes, the shoe-less shit really climbs up my ass. Have I mentioned I love my shoes more than life? Not keen to throw them in some dirty bin that just seconds before held a pair of Crocs.

Gotta empty your purse, take off your jewelry, watch, wallet, why don't we all just go nude. The line would go a lot quicker, I can promise you that.

All of this crap before we even get on the plane.

Remember when no one knew what a carry on was? 

Everyone checked bags.

Now it looks like this. Go ahead. Check bags. Make my day.

Bahaahaahaahaaaa.

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Why do we get into what looks like a gigantic phallic symbol with wings, made of what…aluminum...whatever…that goes, I don't how many thousands of feet in the air, flown by these clowns?

You're right.

I don't know if I've ever been on a plane flown by these two exact clowns but I've been in thousands of work places in my life. They're full of clowns. Why would the airline industry be any different?

What are they doing back there?

Why is the door shut so we can't see?

Why do they try to talk to us mid-flight about the scenery in that creepy porn pilot voice? You know what I'm talkin' about. Thanks porno pilot, I'll look at the scenery when I'm actually in it. On the ground.

Why don't they just shut up and fly the damn plane?

On a related note…can anybody tell me why the whole plane isn't made of whatever the 'black box" is made of? Seems like a no-brainer to me.

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Welcome to your airline experience.

I'm so glad we paid a kazillion dollars for these seats.

Yeah, it's not a big deal.

The flight's only 14 hours long.

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Oh, right.

That's why we paid a kazillion dollars for these seats.

Because they serve food.

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This guy sat across the aisle from us.

And by us I mean hubby. And by sat I mean stood.

He never sat down. He spent nearly the whole flight fiddling with something in the overhead bins. Maybe snacks, I don't know.

Hubby had to lean sideways, toward my side, for most of the flight to avoid a nose inside crack situation.

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Finally, my flying pet peeve.

Apparently, along with our dignity, we've lost our hearing. The second you step on the plane the steward…I mean…flight attendant starts yelling at you.

"THIS IS A FULL FLIGHT."

DING DING DING. That's a mysterious very loud noise that goes off for no reason, that intersperses with the Flight Attendants  screaming commands.

"IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY…"

DING DING DING.

"I WILL BE COMIMG DOWN THE AISLE SHORTLY WITH YOUR DRINK SELECTION."

To add insult to injury drinks are not free.

She leans over to inquire: CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

Of course, by this time, you're stone deaf. So, you're screwed.

Hope you had a grand time FLYING THE FUCKING FRIENDLY SKIES.

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