Stephen King Owes Me
When my novel got published, all my writer peeps, my agent, and my publisher chanted, "Facebook, Facebook, Facebook..." so I had to do it.
I had to create a Facebook page.
Easier said than done. Especially for someone like me who thinks "friend" is an actual person. In the flesh. Who you've had cocktails with (cocktails are important in my friendships).
I'm a social media zero, how could I "do" Facebook? So, I thought, "why re-invent the wheel?"
Old people who are social media zeros still stay things like, "re-invent the wheel." Mostly because we were probably there when the wheel was actually invented.
Not having any idea what to do with said page, I thought I'd see what other authors did. You know what they say, "Talent borrows, Genius steals."
With that pithy saying in mind, I set out to steal.
I haven't read an Ann Rice novel in many years. So, naturally, she crossed my mind first. Yeah, that's how my mind works. It's spastic.
Lo and behold, Ann has a page. She calls her "friends" the People of the Page. Clever, Ann.
The page looks okay. Lots of writer like stuff, some current event and political stuff. Some shout outs for various events she's attending. And, of course, lots and lots of "friend" comments. And lots of comments in response from Ann!
Ann Rice chats it up with her Facebook friends.
Now, it did cross my mind that perhaps an assistant posing as Ann chats up Ann's friends. But, it turns out, her assistant has his own page. Ahem...
At any rate, Ann likes her friends, she says nice things about them, and she goes to the mat with them over things she believes. For some reason, this all made me very happy. If it's good enough for Ann, it's good enough for me.
Ann also follows other writers and gives kudos. She lets her People of the Page know about good books, other than her own. Way to go, Ann.
I noticed that Ann follows Stephen King. So, I checked him out.
Stephen King has 3 Facebook pages and 4.5 million followers. Followers, as you probably already know, are the Professional Facebook Page equivalent to "friends."
Stephen King, however, does not sully himself with any of his pages. They are all maintained by his publisher. So, you can tell Stephen how much you love his work and his publisher will...do nothing.
This pisses me off.
Come on, Stephen.
I've read almost all of your books. Even the ones that were 400 pages too long. Okay, yes, I did just skim a lot of it, but so what?
I defended you when others said you were past it, your best work is behind you. "No Way," I'd say.
I declared, on Goodreads no less, that you get a bad rap because you write horror.
I emphatically denied that your first five books were your best. Okay, so I didn't emphatically deny that, but still.
Now I find out you're never gonna "like" me back. You'll never rave about my book to your 4.5 million followers.
That probably means a quote from you for my next book cover is out.
Let me put this in perspective Stephen. I have, as of this writing, 70 followers. Who I love and am eternally grateful for. But, I need more. I want a bunch of people to buy, and read, my book. You could help me. One word from you and I'm on the bestseller list.
Since you probably don't know, let me enlighten you with some inconvenient truth:
Ann Rice has roughly 760,000 followers.
Gillian Flynn has 3 pages, 1 in French, and has 30,000 followers (I saw your quote on her book cover, by the way, and yes, I'm bitter).
Dean Koontz has five pages and 1.5 million followers.
If all of that isn't bad enough, why don't you put the following in your publisher's pipe and smoke it:
Steig Larson has 7 pages, 2 in Swedish and has 1.8 million followers.
Jane Austen has 2 pages and 750,000 followers.
Charles Dickens has 750,000 followers.
They are all dead.
Even J.D. Salinger has 3 pages and 350 followers. He only wrote one book (so what if it was Catcher in the Rye), and never came out of his bedroom except to refill his martini glass.
Come on, Stephen, help a girl out.
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