KATHLEEN O'DONNELL
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The Things We Keep

3/10/2014

13 Comments

 
Picture
Death is an unpleasant event. For all the obvious reasons.

When the time came, finally, for my mother's memorial, I dreaded it.

For one thing, she died four months ago. My hip surgery immediately afterward stalled the date. So, this final piece of business lingered and I had a lot of time to not look forward to it.

I wasn't prepared for the joy.

Or, for my life to change in one day.

My mother's friends and neighbors are old school. When someone dies, they pay their respects. It's how it's done. They don't even have to know you very well. They're there. It's a small town. There's lots of little feuds among them. Nothing too Hatfield and McCoy, but still. 

No matter, it's all set aside.

My husband and I hosted a BBQ with all the trimmings. But, here they all came, no one empty handed. They brought their cakes, pies, macaroni salads. It's the first time I can recall that a tray of deviled eggs made me cry.

There's no better balm for the soul than an entire community of people who gather for one common purpose: to share their love with you and your family.

Most everyone had a story to tell about my mom. Some I knew, some I heard for the first time yesterday. Without exception, they saw my mother as her best self, giving, loving, willing to help anyone who needed it.

I hated to acknowledge this ending, and feared I'd have nothing left of my mother when we left. But, this was the most precious gift, their love for her, magnified. 

After my husband's beautiful, loving and dignified eulogy, we trudged up the hill my mother'd chosen for her final resting place, my best friend from girlhood, who I hadn't really seen in 30 years, held my hand all the way up. Just like when we were twelve, conquering the world, together.

I felt awash with gratitude for all the people in my life who wish me well, who overlook my faults, who love me and think I have something of value to bring to the table. 

Instead of sadness, I felt happier than I had in quite a while, up there on that desolate hill with my family and friends. 

A weight lifted, a decision made.

I believe that for most of us, life isn't short. It's long. Misery, bitterness, and anger only make it longer, the load heavier. It's days like this and the people who think it's their job to offer sustenance when you need it, and who offer up a pure heart - those are the things I'll keep.

Everything else, like my mother's ashes, blowing in the wind - I let go.




13 Comments
Carol Cassara link
3/10/2014 12:14:23 am

Now that most of us are all scattered to the winds, we miss this beautiful sense of community that you so effective render on the screen. There's nothing like a pure heart. Nothing.

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NotesFrom2Half link
3/10/2014 12:24:07 am

Well said. Old school mourning can be quite a comfort.

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Marcia Shaw Wyatt link
3/10/2014 01:09:34 am

Like you, I too dreaded the memorial for my mom last year. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to say good-bye publicly - I was hurting too much. And like you, I ended up being very surprised by the way I felt when it was over. There's something very comforting and healing about the process and it helped me get over my loss more than anything else had up to that point. And for me it wasn't deviled eggs, it was a green jello salad. My mom used to love when this one woman would make and bring it to a luncheon. She made and brought it again on the day of the memorial in honor of my mom and the thoughtful gesture reduced me to tears. Thank you, Kathleen for this beautiful post!

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Claudia Schmidt link
3/10/2014 01:18:28 am

Sorry to hear about your moms death, Katherine. Sounds like a beautiful memorial event, glad it allowed you to let your sorrow go.

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kayla mead link
3/10/2014 01:57:57 am

It was an amazing day! To say the least.

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Carla link
3/10/2014 03:40:33 am

You summed up exactly how I first felt when my mom passed away last March. I didn't feel sad at first. I was overwhelmed and felt joy at the love that was shown me and the stories and kind words that were shared about my mother. It was a celebration of a love that included her. I hadn't been able to put my feelings about that into words until now. Thank you!

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Michelle Stanley link
3/10/2014 07:55:30 am

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I read this post twice and decided to return to it, as it reminded me of my mother who passed away. We had cheerful songs because that was her request, and I remember someone bringing a unique cake designed like a dove. You're right about old school, and it bring back my memories of that time.

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Marybeth Carty
3/10/2014 12:10:55 pm

Remembering our loved ones when they leave us is a ritual made lighter and holier when done in the company of our kindred souls ..
So glad this gathering gave you comfort. Beautifully told...

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Jennifer Steck link
3/10/2014 10:19:55 pm

I'm so sorry that you lost your mother. I remember when my mother died and the blessings that surrounded her death. It was as if she was there telling us it would all be okay. I'm so glad you took comfort in your community love and support.

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Diane link
3/10/2014 11:39:40 pm

Small-towns/close-communities are just like an extended family. Oh, sure, there are disagreements, but, when it matters, they are there. Beautiful article, Kathleen! I'm so glad you shared this amazing experience!

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Sandy
3/11/2014 01:39:24 am

Beautiful photo Kathleen. I'm so happy that you found some comfort in letting your Mom go. One of the hardest things to do in our lifetimes .. without doubt. Now we just hold on to those wonderful ... and not so wonderful moments ... that help us to remember our love for them and why we loved them!

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Doreen McGettigan link
3/12/2014 03:29:15 am

You made me feel so much better about my Dads upcoming memorial. We had too postpone his because I went to care fore my best friend who passed two weeks ago.
My mother and my best friends husband asked me what I wanted to keep. I wanted nothing but my memories.
I'm sorry about your Mom.

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Dave link
3/12/2014 08:24:20 am

I posted it on Facebook, my mom liked it :)

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